Remedial Ally School Tutoring, First Lesson

#ThingsYouCantUnsay #RemedialAllySchool

*I didn’t get an instruction manual.*

My co-parent suggested to me that my father might make substantially faster progress if I explained the lessons I hope he will learn from following my social media account, from interacting with people in my community, from my writing, from other writings I point him to.

*I got gaslit about who I am. By everyone, in every interaction.*

On an extremely basic level, the lesson is the totality. I’ll explore a single short post to explain it. Recently I replied to a post about baristas in a socialist utopia by saying I would look cute in an apron. This communicates my identity on myriad levels, and importantly, it would mean something slightly different from anyone else - the full content can be understood only in the context of who I am, conveyed by how I talk about myself, whom I speak with, and what I choose to say and not say.

*I learned to lie, constantly, smoothly, and convincingly about who I am.*

The barista comment connects to my socialism, and my concerns about the corrosive effect of my job on society. It expresses how my transition required it’s own golden handcuffs, pursuing career choices because of their stability, financial reward, their suitability in which to transition, the way they would not be negatively impacted by my stunted social and relational skills from existing in the closet. It nods to my femininity, my appreciation of fashion, my personal style. It calls back to public conversations with friends about how we would appreciate simpler work in a world that valued connection and working together and eschewed capitalism and billionaires. By directing it to another trans femme I know from my time on my social media account, it gestures to the web of connections I’m growing and living happily within. It conveyed such a rich set of messages about me in a handful of words.

*I existed in that darkness for 37 years. Living is vibrant and joyous - the closet was a death of self abnegation.*

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