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How to call 911 from a smart phone when your ostomy wound is bleeding and you’re disoriented:

1. “Fuck, where is the phone app?”
2. “Shit, I can’t stand and look for the phone app at the same time.”
3. “Ok I’ll try Siri… damnit, I set it to text mode so I can’t talk to it.”
4. “Let me try taking off my bag so I can clean the area and see if that helps stop the blood.”