Hello, fediverse!

I'm Ena, the new PR coordinator hired by the Mastodon nonprofit (@Mastodon). I've been recruited to help bring the fediverse to a younger, sexier, more diverse, more cutting-edge audience. According to our polls, using the original creator almost like a mascot is essential to keeping things simple and familiar for how the younger crowd is used to doing things. Which is why we'll be turning @GargronEugen Rochko into a one-man promotional force to rival even Oprah's most successful guests.

First off, we'll give him a makeover, starting with a 18-carat gold chain with a Mastodon logo pendant, custom Rick Owens sweatpants, and whatever hoodie best matches the rare Bugatti we've aquired for him. We aren't settled on a hairstyle yet as he's been tearfully pleading to keep his current one over our Zoom calls.

After an intensive course on how to tactically "crash out" in a way that gains popularity within mainstream American pop culture's fixation on brash individuality, he'll go where the action is. We've already booked him a brief appearance on Kai Cenat's stream, and we're working on scheduling him a debate with Mark Zuckerberg on the Joe Rogan Experience, so we don't entirely leave out elderly audiences.

We've also acquired leaked information about IShowSpeed's next trip. Although it'll be tough to make on time, I've contacted a friend of my uncle who's agreed to let us borrow his old plane from the Vietnam days so Eugen can intercept IShowSpeed via the terror and wonder of skydiving.

Eugen will not be alone in his evangelism. We've reached out to the management of various rising star underground rappers in order to buy bars on their next albums, such as "found my bitch on masto" and "hooked up wit the plug on fedi".

We hope this is enough to supplement him, because we'll be strapped for cash after that. Be sure to donate and support a more decentralized internet!