If you stick around me long enough, you'll hopefully realize that a lot of the things I write are exaggerated for comedic effect. I deal in hyperbole. If it's funny, I'll probably turn it up to 11.

I also do a lot of fake pride. I'm a deeply insecure and self-loathing person, so to keep from constantly self-deprecating, I sometimes switch it up and go over the top with elaborate self-aggrandizement. This is also hyperbole. It's a comedic device. I can assure you that I'm pretty much always going to think worse of myself than you possibly could, so please temper your expectations.

I will riff on a joke or funny thing endlessly. I will riff it to death, then learn necromantic arts, eldritch and terrible, so I can resurrect it and keep riffing on it until I kill it again. I will assume whatever character is necessary to make the joke keep working, even if that means making myself out to be a horrible person. I am a horrible person, both in that I'm horrible at being a person and also horrible as a person, but generally not in a funny way. So if I claim to have seventeen kids or that I email reporters my detailed plans of war (purely hypothetically, of course, as I can't imagine any situation wherein that would be funny), it's probably a bit that I'm doing. I've probably been doing it for so long that everyone has forgotten how it started and everyone but me wishes it would end. Such is the way of things.

I have the sort of ADHD which makes me overuse parentheses and subordinate clauses, so if I'm going to do it, I try to be funny about it. Like in that last paragraph up there, I was using that parenthetical phrase to make a sarcastic joke about fashy dipshits (and here I'm using this one to point out that I can be serious and joking at the same time because, in the fine tradition of comedy, if I don't laugh, I'll cry). I'm also anus-clenchingly meta. And I employ appalling language to achieve this.

Basically, you shouldn't read anything I write because it's up its own ass. There's that self-deprecation again. I'm fucking good at it too. I'm so good at being up my own ass that sometimes I even fool myself.

There's a reason why I never made it on Facebook. I don't want most of the people I know to read anything I write. Only when I'm blissfully anonymous can I let my guard down and lie to you all for shits and giggles. Sorry.