Reading a manga where the main character kills himself in a timeloop over and over

Why the thought of being able to do that makes me feel so fucking good

Ik I can't do that IRL, but,,, mffffff,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I'm into snuff, ig that's why... Tho it's not even lewd for me, it's closer to like, the addicting feeling I get out of toxic relationships

That elusive, addicting feeling that nothing else can match

That thing that is turning literally every drug I try into a boring disappointment, the thing that's making me go for stronger and stronger drugs hoping they'll make me feel something interesting, the thing that makes me do kinkier and kinker stuff in search of a bit of it

That thing that makes my brain go blank and just feel happiness

The only thing I ever got addicted to (that I am still yearning for all the time)

What is it?