I just realized I should not only post negative mh stuff, but also like, overall summaries and also positive stuff

Cuz entities seem to be worried about me way more than I thought, and I'm sowii :( I'm actually doing better since this week - I still get really bad breakdowns, but my default state is way, way better. I'm still burnt out, so I end up having to do less for those around me, and I hope they'll forgive me for it, but I have plans for the future and some like, hope for at least 2026 now.

Now, I'm writing this while high on amph, which tends to make me happier, but fact is that, on average, I'm doing better. I'm also at a way lower suicide risk than I was 2 months ago due to moving countries and actually having some support around me now, a community, and things to do.

To be clear, I'm still doing quite bad, I'm not healthy both mentally and physically, but I now see a way forward at least to and within the next year. That's progress.

What helps me the most is having friends I can rely on that will not push themselves to help me (cuz then I worry a lot), but that will have my back in things (not necessarily by forcing themselves to do something for me, but largely just by sticking with me, and not hating me), having company, communities, meeting new entities IRL, and doing and talking about computer stuff online and also on things like chats.

I have someone in my life now that keeps me safe and makes me actually want to not end up forever dead.

Ig I'm unsure why I'm writing this post entirely. Had a convo IRL that I shall not describe further and this topic dropped, so I figured I shall try write things when I'm happy, too (like rn; rn I'm quite happy.)

Also, I'm curious if I am addicted to taking drugs. Not any drugs themselves, but rather to the act of trying new drugs.

I don't think that's bad (there's only so many drugs), and the few drugs I repeat are basically just acute antidepressants, or ADHD mess which I use to temporarily deal with executive dysfunction; idk if that should be labeled an addiction, I actually quite dislike taking all of them, but it helps tremendously in some situations, so it's absolutely worth it for me.

But that's another discussion, so eh.

I don't actually know if this is that accurate of an eval of my current state; I'm absolutely falling apart, I'm absolutely utterly broken beyond repair, but I now have glimpses of living, not just surviving. Hope. A reason to have hope, not just fake hope. That if I survive long enough, I'll be able to live. I couldn't imagine things ever getting like that 2 months ago. I owe that to another entity, one that basically saved my life (right after a suicide attempt).

If nothing devastating explodes, or a series of big things explode, idt my life is at risk till at least like most of 2026. Ask me late 2026 for 2027, even trying to guess 2026 feels like naive divination lol.

I... Will feel suicidal, might do things that I know won't kill me with the intention of dying, but idt I will do anything that will have a decent chance at killing me. Def not if I find stuff that lets me feel stuff other than overwhelming emotional pain. Well, I shouldn't be promising things... I don't know what I'll be doing. But the fact about finally seeing some little rays of hope is true.

I still can't see a proper life with all my needs met. But I should end up in a better position.

Maybe this is just me ranting while high on amph. Idk. I do think that even writing stuff when I'm feeling happy and well is good. I only posted the negative stuff so far almost always, not most the neutral or positive stuff, so.

To be clear, I still love whenever someone shows care about me, and it helps me whenever I'm feeling horrible. The fact I'm unlikely to try a likely to succeed suicide attempt doesn't change the fact that I get really, really bad breakdowns and my mental state is unstable and I need support (from those that are able to provide it).

Ig what I'm trying to say - if you care about me, please don't overstress yourself with worrying about me. I'm not doing as badly day to day as my fedi might indicate.