I can say, however, that I've reunited with an "old friend" who is still in great shape. Before I get dozens of replies about it being insecure: in theory, it is, but it's not accessible from the outside. It's isolated within its own network and is only able to connect and fetch backups for 'extreme disaster recovery' (only at specific times, restricted by specific firewall rules). It served its purpose today, and tomorrow, it might be even more useful.
18:33:01 up 3188 days, 4:47, 1 user, load average: 5.09, 4.73, 4.74
Debian, Btrfs, and zero internal dust.
It's kept in a sterile, extremely protected room.